Lyrics:
People often ask about my necktie and my hat, and why I keep myself so debonair. (Why) They say why is it so that everywhere you go a pack of women-folk awaits you there. I answer them this, have you ever been kissed by a gentleman so impeccably groomed? It's indicative of the way he can love if you choose to invite him to your room. Oh, ladies love a genteman, 'cause a gentleman knows how to love. Oh he's so nice and tender in the evening if you find one, honey, you're in luck. He'll give you tons of evidence while the moon is bright and stars are light above. Oh, ladies love a gentleman, 'cause a genlteman knows how to love. Oh, when your head's on the pillow and you're lying on your bed, do you have visions of gentlemen swimming in your head? Oh, ladies love a gentleman, 'cause a gentleman knows how to love. Oh, ladies love a gentleman, 'cause a genlteman knows how to.. When we get together then, honey, you'll realize what I'm thinking of. I'll undo my suspenders when oh, the moon is bright and the stars are light above. Yes, ladies love a gentleman, 'cause gentleman knows how to love. Oh, when your head's on the pillow and you're lying on your bed, do you have visions of gentlemen swimming in your head? I bet you do because ladies love a gentleman, 'cause a gentleman knows how to love. Oh, ladies love a genteman, 'cause a gentleman knows how to love (repeated)Lyrics:
Well I just caught me an animal, he was small all covered with hair. Hanging from a trap by his miniature feet, dangling in the air. Out came my knife to turn this tiny beast from alive to dead. His beadly little eyes never strayed from mine, and this is what he said: You ain't gonna eat my meat without no dipping sauce, dipping sauce, dipping sauce. Though I'm mainly skin and bone, I'm still quite the feast, but without no dipping sauce, you ain't gonna eat my meat. (scatting) So I gutted him, skinned him, stuck a spit in him, and laid him over the fire. Grabbed me a nearby starving nymph, slipped into my formal attire. The scent of flesh made her swoon, with this meal I'll make her mine. I said thank you tiny jungle animal, now darling open wide. She said, I ain't gonna eat your meat without no dipping sauc, dipping sauce, dipping sauce. Your persuasive whispering means nothing, my sweet. 'Cause without no dipping sauce, I ain't gonna eat your meat. If I had two faucets, they'd be making dipping sauces. If I had two closets, filled them up with dipping sauces. If I had two bosses, I'd be working real hard, but at the end of the day and on my days off, I'd find little time to dream about dipping sauce. I ain't gonna eat your meat without no dipping sauce, dipping sauce, dipping sauce. Your persuasive whispering means nothihng, my sweet. 'Cause without no dipping sauce, I ain't gonna eat your meat. Dipping sauce.Lyrics:
(scatting) My girl, she's ill tempered and collicky. But I didn't win her through tenderness or frolicking. Some girls dream of moonlit dinners and weddings by the shore. I give my girl one thing, and nothing more. And that's heavy petting, heavy petting. Oh, when I'm near that's what all the girls are getting. Oh, a tender little rub never made anybody fall in love, but with heavy petting, she'll be wetting her lips for a kiss with you. My girl's got skin as tough as leather, but it softens each night when we're together. Oh, it takes more than some gentle kissing and a soft caress. I've a secret strategy, I'll never confess. Okay, it's heavy petting, yes, heavy petting. When I'm near, that's what all the girls are getting. Oh, a tender little rub never made anybody fall in love, but with heavy petting, she'll be wetting her lips for a kiss with you. Heavy petting (heavy petting), heavy petting (heavy petting). When I'm near, that's what all you girls are getting. Oh a tender little rub never made anybody fall in love. But with heavy petting she'll be wetting her lips for a kiss with you.Lyrics:
The boys are blue, and ladies hiss every time I give my girl a kiss. 'Cuz they all know, when we go by that my baby's off my market and so am I. My girl is high class, she dresses nice. But she gives me her loving at a discount price. Though she has offers from foreign wire, my baby's off the market and so am I. But according to the laws of supply and demand, this baby oughtta be walkin' with a wealthy man. But you can go down to the graveyard and tell Adam Smith (who's that?) that his laws of economics don't talk when they kiss. The boys are blue, I'll tell you why. It's 'cuz my baby's off the market and so am I. I met a fella, he tried his luck. Said he'd buy my baby, four million bucks. I told him no, sir. He began to cry, say my baby's off the market and so am I. The boys are blue (boys are blue), and ladies hiss (ladies hiss) every time (every time) I give my girl a kiss (girl a kiss). 'Cuz they all know (they all know), when we go by (we go by) that my baby's off my market and so am I. The boys are blue, and ladies hiss every time I give my girl a kiss. 'Cuz they all know, when we go by that my baby's off my market, my baby's off the market, my baby's off the market and so am...Lyrics:
In the morning, twice a week, I go swimming in the Newtown creek. My nose runs, I begin to cough. My hair and skin flake off. I start in Brooklyn, swim to Queens, turn around and swim back again. My bones ache, I can hardly speak, when I'm swimmin' in the Newtown creek. It was in the Autumn, three years now. My love and I spoke wedding vows. When the evening air was warm, we strolled that dirty shore. We'd count the tires and paper cups, and all the fish floating belly up. She declaired, ""If you ever treat me mean, I'll throw my body in the Newtown stream."" So I hurl myself into the deep. And I hold my breath till I fall asleep. The only girl I ever wanted to keep, is lying at the bottom of the Newtown creek. So I hurl myself into the deep, and I hold my breath until I fall asleep. The only girl I ever wanted to keep, is lying at the bottom of the Newtown creek. In the morning, twice a week, I go swimming in the Newtown creek. My nose runs, I begin to cough. My hair and skin flake off. I start in Brooklyn, swim to Queens, turn around and swim back again. My bones ache, I can hardly speak, when I'm swimmin' in the Newtown creek.Lyrics:
In bygone days gentlemen all kept their blade and their gun by their hand. They draw their weapons at their first dirty word, but I traded in my pistol for two rackets and a bird. You've done me wrong, mm that's a fact, you called me yellow behind my back. You spoke vulgar language, here's my retort, gonna smack your shallow popgun around that badminton court. Well I don't go for bullets, don't go for boats, don't go for brawling and getting blood on my clothes. Don't go for cussing when I'm settling my score, so I'll offer declaration on the badminton court. You've done me wrong, mm that's a fact, you called me yellow behind my back. You spoke vulgar language, here's my retort, gonna smack your shallow popgun around that badminton court. Say friends, what do you do on the badminton court? (smack the bird) Oh, what do you do on the badminton court? (smack the bird) Let's smack it! So grab your racket, grab your shorts, take the field for some manly sport. When the sun is high and the breeze is cool. I challenge every scoundrel to a badminton duel. You've done me wrong, mm that's a fact, you called me yellow behind my back. You spoke vulgar language, here's my retort, gonna smack your shallow popgun around that badminton court.Lyrics:
Have you heard about the big strong man? (Yes I have) He lived in a caravan. (What kind?) Have you heard about the different clubs and fights? Oh lord, what a hell of a fight! Well you can take all heavy weights you got (What you got?) We got a live that can beat the whole lot (Whole lot) He used to ring bells in the bell frame now he's gonna fight Jack Dempsey. That's my brother, Stylvest, (What you got?) got a row of forty medals on his chest (Big chest) Built fifty buildings in the west he knows the rest. think of the man, hell's fire, don't push, just shove, plenty of room for you and me. He's got an arm like a leg and a punch that could sink a battle ship. Thanks all the army and the navy for the win, old Stylvest. Well he thought he'd take a trip to Italy (Itlay) He thought he's go by sea (By sea) He dove off the harbor in the ocean and he swam like a man from corps. He saw the Lusitania in distress (distress), he put the Lusitania on his chest (big chest) he drank all the water in the sea and he walked all the way to Italy. That was my brother, Stylvest, (What you got?) got a row of forty medals on his chest (Big chest) Built fifty buildings in the west he knows the rest. think of the man, hell's fire, don't push, just shove, plenty of room for you and me. He's got an arm like a leg and a punch that could sink a battle ship. Thanks all the army and the navy for the win, old Stylvest. Well he thought he'd take a trip to old Japan (Japan) They brought out the big brass band. He played every instrument they got, what a lad, he played the whole lot. Well the old church bells will ring, the old church choir will sing, they all came out to say farewell to my brother, Stylvest. That was my brother, Stylvest. (What you got?) got a row of forty medals on his chest (Big chest) Built fifty buildings in the west he knows the rest. think of the man, hell's fire, don't push, just shove, plenty of room for you and me. He's got an arm like a leg and a punch that could sink a battle ship. Thanks all the army and the navy for the win, old Stylvest.Lyrics:
My love for you is like the square root of two. That's a nerdy way to flirt, oh buddy it's true. Because if you write that number straight out to the umpteenth decimal place, you notice that it don't repeat and it never terminates. My affection's never ending, every day is new. My love is like the square root of two, written as a decimal, my love is like the square root of two. My love for you is like the square root of two. That's a dorky way to court, oh buddy it's true. My fondness isn't fractional, in fact, it's irrational, that is if we're speaking terms strictly mathemagical. Oh, fetch me a blackbow, I'll sketch you the proof, that my love is like the square root of two, written as a decimal, my love is like the square root of two. Oh, baby, I know you're not much for numbers, but maybe you can make an exception and we can be lovers. My affection's never ending, every day is new. That's how my love is like the square root of two. Oh, fetch me a blackbow, I'll sketch you the proof, that my love is like the square root of- My affection's never ending, every day is new, that's how my love is like the square root of two, written as a decimal, my love is like the square root of two. Oh, baby now, my love is like the square root of two.Lyrics:
I sing for your song of prohibition and offer some advice I hope you use (I hope you use) This world offers all kinds of stimulation, even if the government takes away your booze. Congress turned off the liquor spout, but you and me are still getting out because they can't prohibit love. Oh my gin cup's as dry as they get, but you and me are still getting wet because they can't prohibit love. Oh my best barman took the keys to his tavern and turned them over, but let me tell you honey, I don't feel any soberer because every time we kiss and hug, baby, I'm as good as drunk because they can't prohibit love. Oh I got the tremors but they don't hurt because you got the medicine beneath your skirt, honey, they can't prohibit love. So tell them insanities, "do your worst". You and me ain't buying a thirst because they can't prohibit love. Oh that firewater and moonshine dug a hole right through my liver, but your loving makes every single one of my organs quiver. Every time we kiss and hug, baby, I'm as good as drunk because they can't prohibit love. Yes every time we kiss and hug, baby, I'm as good as drunk because they can't prohibit love. Oh they can't prohibit love, they can't prohibit love (repeated) (scatting) They can't prohibit love, they can't prohibit love (repeated)Lyrics:
My love and I were the toast of the town, the pair everybody knew. We'd roll around the city on a bicycle built for two. But one evening we had a quarrel, and filled with spite, my love, she took a hacksaw to our lovely tender bike. Left me with the unicycle blues, if you only knew my sad situation, I fall down after one rotation. Day after day I tumble on the pavement trying to lose my unicycle blues. I've got the unicycle blues, I played a fool for everyone that passes I fall down and I break my glasses. All in the distance, you're perfectly balanced, but I can't lose my unicycle blues. Oh it was colder than an icicle, than an Eskimo with no igloo (that's pretty cold) You took my heart and my bicycle and told them bold in two. Left me with the unicycle blues, honey I can't lose my unicycle blues. I've got the unicycle blues, if you only knew my sad situation, I fall down after one rotation. Day after day I tumble on the pavement trying to lose my unicycle, trying to lose my unicycle, trying to lose my unicycle.Lyrics:
Oh when your lips are playing my kazoo, all I wanna do is sing. (yadda yadda zing) When you make that sweet little noise, all the other boys want to be me. That's 'cause honey you got a way with music, and you know how to use it. Oh when your lips are playing my kazoo all I wanna do is sing (all I wanna do is sing) Oh when your lips are playing my kazoo, I fall in love with you in a wink (in a wink) Oh when you hum those sweet melodies, I tremble at the knees, I need a drink. That's 'cause honey you can do what no other girl can do, with just your lips, a little teeth, and a kazoo. Oh when your lips are playing my kazoo, I fall in love with you (I fall in love with you) Oh when your lips are playing my kazoo, all I wanna do is sing (yadd yadda zing) When you make that sweet little noise, all the other boys want to be me. That's 'cause honey you got a way with music, and you know how to use it (Oh you know how to use it) When your lips are playing my kazoo, I fall in love with.Lyrics:
Oh William Howard Taft, had a great big smile and a great big laugh, a great big belly, and great big thighs that slapped together when he walked by, no he can't squeeze nothing past William Howard Taft, oh William Howard Taft, got himself stuck in a bath, secret servant and the police